To the kid at La Madeline during lunch-
I have no idea why you decided to RUN in the restaurant. I mean.. I like getting my Dr. Pepper as quickly as the next guy, but come on… When you decided to get a running start to wherever you were going, you took off on.my.big.toe. By the time the pain registered, you were gone, but my toe is now swollen and my toenail is black underneath, started bleeding, and is making me unable to wear my heels. Thanks a lot, kid. And thanks a lot to whoever raised you and never told you RUNNING in a restaurant is inappropriate unless you’re headed to the bathroom about to soil yourself. Things that suck: the pain (obviously), but also likely losing a toenail before a beach vacation b/c those suckers take FOREVER to grow back (first world problems, I know). Blah. Oh well.
|Running is for OUTSIDE. Even Forrest knows that.|
To the guy sitting next to Eric and me at The Avengers Saturday night-
You saw Eric using my eye-drops. Apparently, they looked pretty awesome because you asked to borrow them. What? Who does that? Who borrows some stranger’s eye drops? Anyway, unsure whether you touched your pupil with my bottle or not, I had to toss the whole thing. And yes, we could have said no, but it was just stunning and weird, so Eric just handed it over. Don’t you worry about your own eye health? Gross.
To the feral cat in the neighborhood-
Please stop defecating in our yard. I’m tired of running to the backyard like a crazy person flailing around just to get Gracie to avoid your poo pile so I can clean it up and keep her away. You have diseases. You are not a cat. You are a cuter version of a striped rat. (Seriously, this cat really is feral and MEAN).
To my massage therapist over the weekend-
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. These open letters would likely be more like open hostile threats if not for you. And I dig your hippy mojo as well. Keep it up. (So glad I booked a massage for myself! Long overdue).
I’m coming for you in mere weeks (okay, quite a few weeks, but whatever). Prepare yourself for my camera and ability to drink two tropical beverages at a time.