So, I just want to vent. I dont want a pity party b/c I'm not throwing one. I'd let you know if that was the case. :) I just think I'm in multi-tasking hell...
I woke up at 4:45 yesterday morning, showered, got Gracie to mom's, and headed to the airport. Took off for STL. Had meetings all day with the new VP I'll be writing for, some co-workers, etc. Back to the airport at 3:30. Flight was at 7pm so I tried to change it...no go. With the gas prices, etc, there are so many cancelled routes, I was the ONLY flight to Tulsa out of STL that could get me home before 10. So, I had 4 hrs to kill...and a maid of honor toast to draft. :) Started writing when I got the call from my mom saying "Where are you?" I responded with "Um, you have my dog remember..I'm in STL..." She responded with.. "Ok..well..you're grandmother is in the hospital with a few hours to live.. so thought you should know in case you can get home and you're her only next of kin so some decisions might have to be made."
Um. What?!
So, I had to sit there and wait with this information until my 7pm flight, praying I'd make it in time.. I landed at 8:30pm and drove to St. John's where I met my mom. (this is my dad's mom btw).. She was still alive, but in a morphine induced coma b/c she's been placed on comfort measures only. I sat with her for about an hour...talking about my life now, my dog, my vacation recently, brushed her hair. At one point, she mouthed the words I'd just said, so I know she heard me. Anyway, not being morbid..but instead thankful.. I'm SO happy I made it in time. I havent heard anything today and plan to go back again...but.. long and short...
...I felt/feel like a shitty person. My grandma has long since forgotten who I am today...but not that I exist...and was put in a nursing home years ago out of necessity. I havent been there to see her. Not once. That's horrible to admit. I dealt with the fact that she was dying...by not dealing with it at all. At it all flooded in last night. So, I'm thankful I had the chance to talk to her....even if it was the way it was...No one should have to die alone...and I'll never get the years back that I should have been visiting her...
Anyway...not trying to pull tears from you people, but call someone you love that you dont talk to enough is all I'm sayin...
So, enough about that for now.. I then took my still-in-work-clothes self to Blaze's b/c Id missed the bridesmaid dinner she hosted last night and went to help with making the party favors. By the time 10:45 hit, I was out. of. it. I think I said "thank you for eating" instead of "dinner"..whatever..haha..
Went home...and tried to cleaned my apt...b/c it's disgusting...Got a text from Alove asking what time sushi reservations are tonight...and contemplated throwing my phone at a wall..when I realized it's not other people's fault that I have a lot going on... :) Plus, I would have broken my phone and that would be bad... Let's face it.. :)
Long and short...Jax needs some sleep...haha...
ANNOUNCEMENT: My friend and co-worker, Michele, (the one I went to DC with) has joined the blogging world!!!! YAY!!! Since it's not nearly as fun when you feel like you have no readership except those creepy ads saying "good blog-buy viagra from my site now" she said I'm welcome to pass on and link her to mine!! So, if you read her, she welcomes comments! :))
And um.. if the tailor isnt done with my bridesmaid dress today, I might have to thread a needle through an appendage of hers b/c seriously...I'm not in the mood today.. haha. :)
7 comments:
Oh lover, I'm SO sorry. You did make me cry, but I know that you didn't mean to. :) If you need quick repairs, there is a great place at 101st and yale that will do it by tomorrow if you drop it off today. Just a thought. See you tonight!
jackie, deep breath.
I'd bet you a million dollars that your grandmother isn't (and hasn't been) sitting there being disappointed that you weren't doting on her hand and foot these past years--honey, she's glad you've been out living your life! You have made SO MUCH of yourself, and you've done such cool things and given a little doggie a happy home and though I'm sure she would've loved a call or card or whatever, and that she missed you, I can guaran-damn-tee you that this woman is just so happy to see that you're doing so well!
besides, most grandmothers wouldn't have the energy to keep up with all you do. :)
anyway, you needn't be so hard on yourself. you are there for her now, when it counts the very, very most, and that's what's important.
so go see her again and share the time with her, but leave out the woulda-shouldas. you'll both be glad you did. and maybe bring her some bright flowers, because the smile of a grandparent is one of the most beautiful things in the world, I think.
and for real, when the weekend is over, take a night OFF. you deserve it.
We all play mind games. Mine is that I didn't go to MN Wednesday like I planned... Grandpa died Friday, so I never got to see him alive after he was in the hospital. I felt guilty and still do. None the less, take the time to enjoy her now...even if she is unable to enjoy you back. ;-)
Hugs!
Just wanted to post a little comment to tell you that I love you. Keep your chin up.
Oh Jackie I am so sorry about your Grandmother who I remember foldly as having us over to her apartment to go swimming. Awwww, :(.
I am very glad that you got to be with her last night.
If there is anything I can do, please let me know!
hey jackie, so sorry to hear this about your grandmother. i haven't really had to go through any of that before, i've had a few family members die really suddenly, but none of that getting old stuff, and i'm scared of when my grandparents start deteriorating because i don't know how i'll handle it (or if i'll just try to ignore it).... anyway, i just wanted to say that you are like everyone else, not any worse b/c you didn't visit your grandmother.... just trying to find your own way to cope. totally understandable. i am glad that you made it to her in time. you will always be glad of that. *hugs*
Sorry to be so late here, not sure if you will still get this.
I don't think you should feel bad. I seriously believe that if I get to the point that I don't know my loved ones, I want them to stop visiting me. If I don't know them and it hurts them every time to visit, then what's the point? I would much rather them just think of me from time to time and remember me the way I was, and sure, maybe come around at the very end just for them to have closure and say goodbye. Please don't feel bad love!
XXX
Lauren
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