"The Situation" (the post about why I've been stressing)

(Jersey Shore reference...haha).

I took tonight to catch up on some of ya'll's blogs. I'm not wireless in my meeting so lemme tell ya what torture it is to be able to READ your blogs on my phone but not be able to comment (why cant I comment via crackberry or palm?! Arg!!!) So, I've been a bloggy slacker. Plus, I think I've had a lot on my mind... And here's the post about why!

So, you know how I said I had something stressing me and I'd tell ya'll when I could.

Well I can!

In a nutshell, I was talking to another potential employer (PE if you will) and it was getting awfully close to getting offered the jobbie and it was stressing.me.out. Let me start at the beginning...(this is where it gets long. Sorry).

While working at the UW, someone at PE recommended I apply for X job. X job was open, seemed right up my alley, would likely have been a LOT more money, etc. And while I wasn't looking, it posed some interesting bonuses.

To move up in my company, I might have to move at some point... and well.. I'm in my later 20s now..and I am kinda not wanting to start all over. all alone. somewhere random (our offices are NOT in cool places for the most part.. haha).

So, this gig at PE is local. And did I mention it pays well?

So, I thought "I'll hear this thing out." Then, it got filled the day I turned in my resume! I thought "eh well..wasnt meant to be..." Until.....that person couldnt take it and they pulled me in again! So, I thought "Fate? Maybe?"

I had my phone interview and the job had gone from being X to ...well...something CLOSE to X, but some of the duties had shifted a little. I was like "okay, that could be cool..." They dug me. I opted to go in for a "chat" in person.

Lemme back up, I had to take said phone interview IN MY CAR parked by a dumpster b/c well.. I think taking calls like that at work would likely be frowned upon.. haha..

Okay, so I go in for this "chat" with HR and end up chatting it up with the VP who I'd be working directly with for about an hour. We reallllllly got along. Great person. The company is large and stable... Okay, but through this "chat" day, some red flags were sent up. The job, X, I'd applied for, was now not just "Xish" but had become more of Yish! I was like "What the heck?" There were still strong elements of what I'd originally applied for, but it was being blurred with quite a few "other duties as assigned." Lemme just say it like this.. We have a whole dept to do what I think they might want this one person to do. Still a cool gig-just not certain it was for me anymore...

Side note: That kinda happens in PR/Communications sometimes... People often don't fully grasp the work and think it's a catch all.

Okay, so.. I had some mixed feelings. After some SERIOUS lost sleep, feeling UBER shady at work, inability to focus, etc, I got a call for another chat..this time over lunch with the managers who I'd be working with.

Cool.

By the time said lunch rolled around, I'd somewhat decided I didn't want the gig anymore. BUT, I was REALLY second guessing myself. Was it b/c I didnt want to take a risk? Was it b/c I dont like change? Was it b/c I'm scared? Lots of people underestimate how much I internalize everything and how hard I can be on myself b/c I talk so much and am so outgoing. But, I'm a BA in Psych and have a law degree. This chick analyzes EVERYTHING oooookay? ha!

All in all, I realized I didn't want it b/c well...the job I originally was recommended for, I REALLY LIKED. But the thing it had merged into was likely not where I saw my career headed, I think.

So, I opted to hear them out at lunch anyway just in case... And mind you, I work in a jeans/casual office. I mean.. business casual is a norm, but when it's this cold, everyone is in jeans and sweaters. Okay, sooo wearing a suit would have looked weird... esp since I'd worn one the day I had the "chat" only a week prior. Soo yeah.. I changed into and OUT of my suit... in the car. Yes, I changed for lunch and then changed back again to go back to the office. Good Lord.

This was really started to royally stress me out! ha!

Gets better. I walked in to lunch...not really nervous b/c I'd decided "I'm gonna get ALL my questions answered and if that makes em hate me, it wasn't meant to be..." So, I'm feelin good.... I thought "I hope I dont run into anyone I know" b/c I was downtown at a popular eating place....

.....and cue two partners from my old firm walking in at the same time I did.

Are. you. serious?!

Anyway, so then I became uncomfy and may have terrified the hostess by asking if she'd seat us as far away from those peeps as possible (before the interviewers got there. Duh). She thought I was nuts, but she did it. :)

The lunch went well, but there was just a vibe.. something that I was just not keen on. I believe you have to go with your gut. And I wish I could write details, but you never know who is reading. They were VERY nice people, but some of the things they said led me to believe the position was just a bit well...vague.

I didnt like that.

And I decided it wasn't for me. I was oddly a lot more calm once I made that decision (that's a sign, right? haha), but it was tough.. b/c I knew the job would offer a lot more than I make plus some other bonus factors and might end up being really cool.*shrugs*...and well.. I'm single. I live in an apt. With my dog. With a lot of student loans.

And oh how I want a house. So badly. And I wonder where I'm headed with my company sometimes.

But, that doesn't mean this was the best fit. Ultimately, I'm one of those "trust your gut" people...

So, (this is getting long-sorry) I called my boss and talked to her a lot about stuff in general. I'd been up for a level promotion for a little bit and was concerned with the economy that it wasn't going through...which is kinda an interesting facet to this whole ordeal. I mean.. if you're going nowhere fast, it might be a good idea to re-evaluate...if not for this position, then maybe one later... To my surprise, my boss had GREAT news, peeps...

I GOT THE PROMOTION!

It's not huge or anything, but it will certainly help this student-loan-paying girl out and put me in a better place should I decide to apply for higher positions. :)

I definitely thought that was fate. :) I discussed this jobbie thing with my boss and she's so freaking cool. She totally got where I was coming from. Phew. I mean.. I wasn't saying I WANTED to leave...and I hadnt even been looking, but rather.. this whole thing had gotten me all in a tizzy thinking about everything, ya know....She's awesome. sauce. period. So from there...

I opted to wait to see if PE called me again... I mean.. if my (maybe overly candid) questions had offended them, I might not be getting a callback, so I just hung out.

And they called.

So, Monday, I officially told them I wasn't interested and washed my hands of it.

Until they called me.. again....and again....haha.. I talked to them and explained why I wasn't planning to leave with a heavy heart. I didn't want to look flaky or like I led them on, but I really DID like the original gig...just not what it had seemingly evolved into in many regards. After THREE chats, I still wasn't 100% sure what the overarching duties were for sure. That's a bad sign.

She said "We havent even made you an offer yet-we'd love to have you come in again one last time. You're our top candidate...just so you know." (flattered)I said "thank you, but that's not fair to other applicants when I've decided it's not the best move for me right now." (Not sure she loved that. *nervous*)

Lemme just say....this is why if I ever left my current company, I KNOW I'd have to be fairly confident about leaving: I've been in a bad fit before re a job. I hated my life. I hated every.single.day. When the alarm went off, I thought "ugh." I'd walk in the building with a sense of dread. I'd sometimes cry in the bathroom b/c I hated being in trouble there or having someone perpetually mad at me it seemed. I was a mediocre employee b/c I hated it. That's NOT fair to me when I KNOW I have talent and know I'm better than that.. and should be happy, too.

That, my friends, is why I don't practice law anymore.... I realize it was likely a bad fit for me at that ONE place, but I just opted to give another career path a try and I.love.it. I love my team.. I love my job! I work in public affairs and have handled everything from testifying in a senate hearing about a bill we support to strategic communication planning to earning a seat with the big dogs as they discuss things that will affect our entire business. I write speeches. I work with almost all the initiatives and plans and promotions. I love the people I work with including EVERYONE I encounter with the company...well..almost everyone. ;) haha! We goof off, we "get" each other, we stand up for each other. And I LOVE the VPs I work with, too... They challenge me and have my back. They trust me and the work I do. I get to travel. My management believes in development and are happy to support anything I feel would help broaden my horizons-my management is so supportive. I mean.. hello.. my boss has been going to bat for me for a promotion of sorts for likely MONTHS in this tough economy.

And just sitting at that table at lunch with those peeps, I realized "wow, I know my stuff. Like I REALLY know my stuff. And I LOVE it. And I'm good at it. And I'm passionate about it."

So you see why it would be hard to leave...even for more money. But in the end, I'm happy and blessed to be where I am. :) I'm not struggling by any means... The right next step opportunity-whether with my company or not-is out there..maybe not this year or next....but I'm happy...and that's something I won't easily risk.... :) And I KNOW I am on the right path for me...to leave and enter something that might take me down a rabbit hole that could negatively affect my long term resume isn't worth it. (if that job ended up becoming more "Y" than "X" as it seemed it might).

But, lemme tell ya.. despite all the "what am I doing?" stress, it was kinda cool to be wanted like that. I've NEVER had an employer be that interested in lil ol me! haha! And the company was okay-the peeps were nice-I just wasn't certain about THIS gig.

Well, now you know what my little brain was all worked up about. You guys are SO right about having difficulties blogging when something's on your mind that you can't talk about (I've read that one a few of yours). Anyway... I hope I made the right decision. I feel in my gut that I did. :)

Normal bloggage resuming tomorrow. :) XOXO!