I don't understand people sometimes.
So... I am lucky, blessed, fortunate, and a zillion other synonyms....for so many amazing, supportive fantastic friends and family. We've had so many people so excited for us, for our wedding, for our lives together.
So then.. why does it take one sour grape to kind of ruin my day?
Don't you hate that? It's like a zillion people could tell you they love your outfit/hair/shoes whatever... and then if ONE person says something mean, it just hits harder. Even if you don't really let it bother you, it haunts your brain a little bit.
Anyway, I've started to realize that weddings certainly bring out the emotions in people.
I got a call from someone on the day of our engagement party. I haven't seen her in 6+ years, so she's never even been on the blog. Anyway...I was in an amazing mood... I'd had my makeup done, just booked the makeup artist for the day of the wedding, and was on a total high! I was headed home practically whistling to myself to change into my awesome RTR dress when I got that phone call. I almost didn't answer it, but I did...
We started talking wedding stuff and I asked her to help with some stuff for the wedding. She replied with "um...maybe" and after a long pause where I was trying to process that she'd just said "maybe," she said " I don't want to ruin your engagement party tonight, but..." I sighed heavily with that statement...She finished with "...I'm really hurt that I'm not a bridesmaid."
I couldn't help it. I got mad. And defensive. I'm usually a people-pleaser and take the path of least resistance b/c really... who the hell cares about a little compromise... But, no. Not for my wedding. Sure compromises are going to take place for the wedding, but not on something like this. I was just angered. I probably didn't react well.
I came out swinging a little bit. I was just so frustrated. I know it was obvious in my tone...I feel badly about that. I was like a bridal bulldog for a second... talking about how she'd never met Eric and how I hadn't seen her in over 6 years...or talked to her more than 15 times during those years. I wanted her to be included, but what I wanted wasn't good enough...
I ended the conversation abruptly. I didn't really know how else to end it. It makes me sad that this is likely going to impact my relationship with part of my family now. I love her. I want her to be included even though she wanted a bigger role than I'd intended. But I don't think I should have to compromise on who gets to be up there with me on the day I get married. But then I'm also sad to have hurt someone's feelings and glad she had the guts to tell me about it. It's just a difficult situation.
Wedding planning is amazing, fun, fabulous... but I also feel like I'm going to offend someone at every turn and not even mean to. And if I spend the entirety of this planning process worrying about offending everyone, I'm going to lose my mind. But I also don't want to be some crazy bridezilla that's like "my way or the highway..." So it's hard where to draw a line on compromising. And I hate feeling like I hurt someone's feelings just by planning our wedding day. There are things I'll forget, things I meant to say, do, people I meant to invite to things, etc... That doesn't mean I'm intentionally being mean or exclusive. It just means I have a zillion things going through my brain and sometimes things get left off my mental list. *sigh*
I want to write that person back...or call her... But I don't really know what to say. We obviously have a difference of opinion and I'm still hurt and offended, especially knowing I was headed out to celebrate that night when she called. But I'm sure she's hurt and offended, too and it probably took guts to decide to call me and talk about it, regardless whether I was headed to an engagement party. So we're kind of at a stalemate in some ways.
This was a rant. Just kind of wanted to vent it out. Thanks for listening, friends...Sorry I got all heavy on ya. Now go read the much more lighthearted and fun post below... :)
22 comments:
I can't imagine how someone who hasn't even met your fiancé who you've dated for years would think they'd be a bridesmaid...
That being said, ugh. And I probably would have been hateful and said, "well, since you obviously have no regard for ruining my day, that's precisely why you're not in the wedding party." Well, I may have just thought this, but seriously?!!! Sorry, friend!
Everyone will have opinions on your wedding! It is your day! Do what makes you happy. How selfish of her to do that...hope you have a better day! :)
The only thing you'll regret later in life is not doing what YOU want to do. You won't regret offending people. It's your time. No one else's. When it comes to weddings and having babies, EVERYONE has an opinion. And they'll come out of the woodworks to tell you. You have to shut it down like a bad ferris wheel. If you give them an inch, they'll take a mile. I'm confident you did the right thing, girl.
Hugs,
Meredith
I keep trying to place my self in the other girl's shoes as to why she would think she had the right to say to you she was "hurt" that she wasn't in your wedding. The only thing I can come up with is that that maybe in HER mind she totally thought you guys were better friends than you were/are? I know you said you hadn't talked in like six years, but for some people that don't seem to notice that as a dent in friendship lol Don't let it bother you. What's done is done!
I encountered a few bumps along the way during the planning of my wedding too. My 2 cousins who are more like sisters didn't understand why I had chosen my three closest friends over them (when I was in both of their weddings...). I just had to nicely explain to them that I loved them and wanted them to be involved, but just not in that way. It's tough but they came around and I'm sure this girl will too.
Hugs,
Ash
It's things like this that make you want to elope, amiright?!! We had a friend write in his date's name and food choice...even though only married/engaged/very long term couples were getting +1s. We had to tell him his (new!) girlfriend was not invited and even my own sister/MOH was not bringing a guest. It definitely DID impact our relationship with him and especially his girlfriend... but what was I supposed to do? Make an exception for just him? No way. People make it so tough sometimes. Just DO YOU and do the best you can. You won't be able to make everyone happy no matter what.
Oh no! I totally know how you feel. I did not have my brother's wife in my wedding. Lets just say it was the worst mistake of my life. Seriously she went on to almost ruin my wedding in so many ways because she is crazy. This thanksgiving is the first time I've seen/talked to her. She refused to come to family holidays (even my dads funeral) bc I was there! So finally after 5 years I got her to talk to me! I still stand by that its your wedding day and nobody should make you feel bad for the choices you make. However I still understand you don't want to hurt people's feelings. Such a hard place but be sure to make this time happy :)
Well, no matter what you do, someone is going to be offended. That's not your intention, so you shouldn't feel bad. You are not Bridezilla for making choices. My aunt always advised me to tell family that it's hard to pick between friends and tell friends that it's hard to pick between family. In the end, it's your day. Try to reassure her that you weren't trying to be offensive but you'd be honored for her to participate in X way. Then, let it go. It's her choice to take up the chip on her shoulder or not.
Ugh Jackie. I'm sorry. I'm with you in the people pleasing sense, and in the sense that one (unsolicited) comment from someone can totally bring a day down. I've been on both ends of the bridesmaid spectrum--and when I wasn't included as a bridesmaid in one wedding (which I still don't understand), but did something else--I really enjoyed it...and I never said anything, nor would I to the bride. It isn't your friend's day, your wedding is about YOU and Eric, not her. If she wants to have a pity party she can and should do it elsewhere. Furthermore, it just shows a lack of maturity and tact on her part, epsecially beacuse she KNEW she would bring you down with her opening statement about your engagement party. Ick. I'm not a hugger--but if I were I would totally give you a hug! oxo
The worst, absolute worst, part of planning a wedding is the wedding party. There are hurt feelings from the ones you left out, hurt feelings when one you've chosen isn't there for you the way you expected, the list goes on. It's a difficult part of the process, and it is easy to feel defensive and hurt when these things happen. I do find it appalling that she chose to have that conversation with you right before your big evening, but hopefully you can both mend fences and have a good relationship in the future. Hugs.
Wedding party drama is the worst. I had a HUGE falling out with one of my bridesmaids, and I actually asked her to not be in the wedding anymore. It was hard, and it definitely sucked, but luckily, we were able to work through our problems. Don't feel bad for sticking up for yourself... it's YOUR day! :)
Why is it that everyone thinks they are entitled to having a say in YOUR wedding day?! I think you handled the situation as best you could after being blind-sighted by that. I was in a similar situation a few years ago when one of my close friends got engaged. She didn't ask me to be in the wedding. I was hurt, but it was her day. I didn't say anything because it wasn't my place. She asked me for help and I went above and beyond to make her day special. She shouldn't be offended, especially if she has never met Eric! That is just crazy talk. End rant;)
Hey lady, I too found it really surprising how many people were invested in my wedding and felt strongly about it. On reflection, it made total sense (family + friends + love = investment) but I was taken aback.
Your friend had terrible timing + didn't really need to say anything but that's what happens when you're invested, I suspect. My two cents from the limited info above? Extend the olive branch, but only on your terms (i.e. you email her, but only to let her know you want her involved, not to concede and make her a bridesmaid). She may still be disappointed, but it might help you feel better?
Eh, that's completely unhelpful. I'm sorry you're in this position, is what I'm trying to say!
Just found your blog through another one I follow and love your writing style so far. Just had my wedding in October and have been through it all! I think that the best lesson is to learn from your friend's behavior if we are ever in similar situations! Hopefully your friend can understand that you value her friendship tremendously, regardless of if she's a bridesmaid!
By the way, I went to send you a fb message (i found your page on your "contact me" page) and because we are not connected, I would have to pay $1 for it to go to your inbox! Otherwise it would go to the "other" box. I had no idea this existed in the fb world!
I look forward to reading your future posts,
Avigail Maddox
lifescravin.blogspot.com
The fact that she's never met Eric and the fact that you guys have barely spoken in 6 years is even to validate the feelings and decision of not having her be a bridesmaid. Where was she at the entire time you guys have been together? It's amazing how people will come out of the woodwork to be involved in a wedding. I can't image if you won the lotto!
This is YOURS and ERIC's wedding - no one else. It is a free pass to have everything the way you want and to do or not to do what you please. It is the ONE day of your entire life that you have the opportunity to do that.
Do not feel bad, do not feel pressured into decisions that you will look back on in the future and regret. Do what you and Eric want - it's all about you. You do not have to give any reasons as to why you are choosing the things you are.
I just got married last year so I can totally relate. And I can honestly say I don't look back with one regret. Sure there were times friends and family wanted to steer me in a direction I didn't want to go or tried to influence my decisions.
In the end the day was absolutely perfect for my husband and I and everyone was happy as well.
Oh geeze... I did not see that coming. Wow, I am just blown away she said that to you - blown away that anyone would say that. It's your day and do the things exactly how YOU and Eric want. You looked so beautiful at your party and don't let her spoil all your fun. I know it's easier said than done though. Hang in there and don't let it bring you down!
I totally understand where you are coming from. Something similar happened to me, but I found it even more juvenile and upsetting. I uploaded photos of myself and my bridesmaids from when we had gone dress shopping, and a few hours after putting the photos up I received a comment on one of the pictures from an old friend saying "YOU HAVE SO MANY BRIDESMAIDS AND I'M NOT ONE OF THEM!?". It was a really awkward conversation when I had to explain to her that I was sorry, but the idea had never really popped into my head due to the fact that we had not spent any time together in the past 3+ years...
Anyway, sorry for the ramble, but I know how you feel!
I think you basically wrote what you should say to her in your post. Maybe a handwritten note or card that just says, I'm sorry, this is an important day for me and I tried to include everyone in my day.". It is hard trying to plan your day with so many others to think about. I had to realize that I was planning a special moment to remember forever and this litle stuff - even as big as it seems right now- is just water under the bridge:)
Thank you ever so for you post.Really thank you!
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